To My First Born, My Favorite Little Fella

To my first born, my favorite little fella. My curly headed, brown-eyed, energetic, sweet, loving, hilarious little boy.

I am so sorry.

I’m sorry that I’m not the mommy I could be, nor the mommy I should be. I’m sorry we haven’t played like we used to. I’m sorry I hurt all the time. I’m sorry I yell. I’m sorry I cry. I’m sorry you see it and try to make me feel better. I’m sorry I’m so tired. I’m sorry I’m often out of patience 30 minutes after getting up in the morning. I’m sorry your toys are everywhere and that I haven’t helped you to put them away. I’m sorry we’ve eaten so many pop-tarts and frozen waffles. I’m sorry we haven’t tried harder with potty-learning. That I haven’t given you the extra push you might need; I just haven’t wanted to pressure you… but also, I’m so very tired. I’m sorry I’m not more understanding. I’m sorry I forget you’re only 2.5 going on 3, not 2.5 going on 15. I’m sorry I can’t pick you up all the time. Every time I say no, I promise myself I’ll pick you up soon, so “the last time you’re picked up,” isn’t because of me, but because you no longer need it. I’m sorry we don’t go to the park as much or play outside all the time. I’ve never been able to handle the heat, and I surely can’t now. I’m sorry I’ve had to refuse Bah so much. I’m sorry we don’t “go get a buggy” as often anymore. It hurts mommy so much to walk. I’m sorry we can’t “go fast” in the buggy, because mommy has to walk so slowly. I’m sorry we haven’t visited the zoo lately. The reasons for that are the same as others. I’m sorry things have already stopped being the same as before and Amelia isn’t even here yet.

As for Amelia, I’m sorry for any upset or abandonment you may feel after her arrival. It has been a fear of mine that you wouldn’t understand and you would feel like you are not as loved. But you are. Oh, my goodness, you are. You are my first, you are my favorite little fella, you are the one I waited my whole entire life for. You’re the one I dreamt of. You’re the one I have always wanted and you make me so unbelievably happy. You are everything and you are enough. You were plenty. She is not a replacement. She isn’t a better version.

She’s going to be your best friend, your companion. She’s going to be the person you turn to when you’re frustrated with me. She’s going to be your go-to playmate, your favorite sidekick. She’s going to become your little shadow, and while it may drive you bonkers, you’ll secretly enjoy it, just as I did with my younger siblings. You’ll love when she runs up to you to be held, because she is sad or scared.

Y’all are going to love each other so much. You may not be happy right when she’s born, then again you might be. However, the love will grow and it will blossom and, as with us when you came along, you’ll have a hard time picturing life without her.

Don’t get me wrong, y’all will fight, argue, wrestle, scream, yell, and “dislike” each other more times than I can even fathom. All of that is normal and to be expected. But you’ll make up as soon as it happens and start playing with each other again. It’s all part of having a sibling. They drive you bonkers and make you so angry, but they’re the only ones allowed to do it and “get away with it.”

So, my sweet boy, please know that while I am full of hormones and emotions about any and every little thing, I do love you so. I am so very proud of you. You are such a smart fella and I love all of your dancing and singing. I am sorry for the hard times we’ve had these last several months, and for the hard times to come… but mommy is always trying. Always. And you are enough and have always been enough. You completed our family… we just wanted to try and complete yours.

I love you, I love you. I’ll be back to myself soon enough, and oh… the fun we will have. I love you so.

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