Frustration Leads To Loving You More

IMG_0448[1]Being on the move is one thing. It’s exciting. Thrilling! Every inch toward a piece of his own independence is milestone worthy, and we have dozens of pictures, even though he’s never gone very far at all. Well, unless he’s in his walker. That’s a completely different story.

With his arms held high, as if he’s wading through water, he soars across the hardwood floors like there’s nothing stopping him… except for a lack of balance and solid footing.

He’s only seven months old and he’s so big already. I guess I blinked one too many times, because this doesn’t even seem like a possibility. It really feels like I had him just a few weeks ago. It’s nuts!

He’s so busy. Wanting to play with everything he sees, but especially everything EXCEPT for what I hand him. He only plays for his toys for a short while, until he sees something in my hand. Then it needs to be in his hand too, of course. And he gets so frustrated when it doesn’t happen. I’ve never seen a baby convinced he’s bigger than he really is. I thought this stage would come later!

This evening (I actually wrote this a couple of days ago) he was very clingy. So, very clingy. And I’m not entirely sure why. I think he may be getting another tooth (his third), but regardless, his cilnginess was pretty intense tonight. He didn’t want anyone but me. I’ve read that separation anxiety starts around 6 months. Well, it hit us full force about a week ago. I often can’t leave his sight.

It’s incredibly sweet. And incredibly tiring. When I walk by him while he’s walking around in his walker, he’ll reach out for my leg, grabbing my pants with his little vise-like grip, and he’ll draw my knee to him so he can kiss it and bite it. I often swing him up into my arms an blow a raspberry on his cheek or neck, or give him giggly kisses. He’s my sweet boy and I love him. But, like I said, it’s very tiring. After hours of him wanting to be sitting on my lap or hip, I grow tired. When I try to put him in his walker, he pulls his legs up. I try to lay him in his crib or on the pallet for belly/crawling time, and he immediately looks up at me to whine. I try to hand him off and he leans towards me whining. It’s exhausting to have someone attached to you all day. A little someone who isn’t strong enough to piggy back ride or even hold on to you themselves.IMG_0218[1]

Sometimes I think about taking a vacation. Maybe going to a spa. Even an hour getting a mani-pedi. Or what if I went to a bookstore or coffee shop and just had some time to myself? Better yet, I could take his dad or grammy up on their offer to keep him while I go out. But I can’t. I’d never have peace of mind. I would worry. I would miss him. I would want to breastfeed him.

So, in the middle of my frustration, when I’m wondering where his dad is, where his grammy is, where the walker is, etc., I stop and think… this little guy wants me. Right now, he ONLY wants me. He loves me unconditionally and is wondering why I won’t pick him up right now. And that’s all he wants. My love. My attention. My breast. My hugs. My kisses. My lap. Me.

And so I stop what I’m doing. I take a deep breath. I swoop him up in my arms, lay flat on my back and we play. He stands on me, he jumps on me, he drools on me, and we have the biggest giggle fest we’ve had in days. I don’t have to do anything but kiss his cheek for him to let out shriek after shriek of giggles and laughs. I laugh with him and soak up that moment, because tomorrow he may cling to his dad, and I’ll wish I had all of these kisses from a sweet little baby just learning how to give them.IMG_0440[1]

Because, again. Tomorrow, he might want to give them to someone else.

It can be so frustrating. But it’s also beyond amazing. And despite how much patience I lose, I gain so much more in return.


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