Guilt Trippin’ on Bottles and More

“I’m sorry” is a phrase I really, REALLY need to drop from my vocabulary unless I’ve just stepped on someone’s food or accidentally bumped into someone or SOMETHING. Instead, I use it for a multitude of reasons and most don’t require the phrase! Yes, I have accidentally become one of “those” people who says “I’m sorry” way too much. Sorry about that…. oh, wait…

I feel guilty a lot too. Over the dumbest things. Mostly with folks in my family, but especially with my baby. If I put his diaper on crooked, I feel bad. If he has dream cries, as I call them, I feel bad. If his chin quivers, I feel bad… partly because I can’t tell if it’s just quivering to quiver or if it’s because he’s cold, and then I feel bad if I think it’s because he’s cold. I feel bad when he dribbles milk out of his mouth and it gets in his neck rolls. I feel bad about every damn thing in the world, and then I feel bad about feeling bad, because I know feeling so bad all the time is completely absurd. Again, I KNOW how absurd it is… and yet I can’t stop. I can’t stop feeling guilty and bad about every little thing that goes wrong. I know I’m not perfect. I don’t even want to be. And I know things will happen and mistakes will be made. It’s just different when it’s happening to ME.

For example…
Today our little guy was fed from an old bottle. If blame needed to be placed on anyone (which I wouldn’t do), it would be me for not dumping the bottle when he was done with it last night. But since he sometimes loses interest or falls asleep while eating, I keep the bottles nearby until that golden hour is up. Well, I left it on the side of his bed and had one laying on my bed from this morning. And saying “the bottle on the bed should be good for another 20 minutes” was far too vague. I completely forgot about there being a bottle on each bed. SO, he was fed about an ounce from a bottle that was roughly 10 hours old. Of course, I felt bad immediately. I still feel bad. I’ve already drained my Mom of any information she could give me on the subject and scoured Google for more information, in case it differs from hers. It didn’t, by the way. As I type this, I have him laying on my chest while he sleeps. Any noise he makes causes me to look down to see if he looks sick. I’m too afraid to lay him in his bed in case he throws up and I don’t know it. Yes, I would rather he throw up on me. I kid you not. At least I’d know about it and he wouldn’t risk choking (which stems from a couple of weeks ago when, as I picked him up out of the bed from a nap, he began spitting up and it came out of his nose and mouth. He couldn’t catch his breath and seemed to be choking, so I’ve been terrified ever since. Another guilt trip). It’s been about an hour and a half at this point and he hasn’t gotten sick yet. In fact, I gave him another 2 ounces of formula and breastmilk on top of it, because he was still rooting around and what not.

I know I need to slow down, take a breath, and realize that sometimes… shit’s going to happen. And if it’s mild, no-big-deal shit, then I’m sure I’ll learn to deal with it and not feel so guilty.

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